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Post by Helen on Apr 9, 2018 1:52:18 GMT
Well done! Can you tell me how you lost the 5 Lbs? It still cold and snowing here....so I find it so hard to not want to eat " home and hearth" comfort foods. I have gained 12 lbs since Dave's birthday on December 9th!! Eeeeeekkkk I just can't keep on like this!! I already can't get into half of my clothes.
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Post by james on Apr 9, 2018 6:24:05 GMT
No one understands my problems, poor me
No matter what I do I can not put on a single pound, apple pie and ice cream. Strawberries with fresh cream, jam doughnuts, nothing works. How wonderful it would be if like Jesus we could reach out and pass our virtue, or in this case unwanted weight to some one like me who needs a bit of extra padding.
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Post by Poppy on Apr 9, 2018 6:53:39 GMT
No one understands my problems, poor me
No matter what I do I can not put on a single pound, apple pie and ice cream. Strawberries with fresh cream, jam doughnuts, nothing works. How wonderful it would be if like Jesus we could reach out and pass our virtue, or in this case unwanted weight to some one like me who needs a bit of extra padding. Ray is like this; he hasn't put on any weight in all the time I've known him - 49 years. He weighs 81/2 stone but did briefly go up to 9st. He doesn't eat a lot these days but used to have an enormous appetite.
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Post by amadeus on Apr 9, 2018 13:21:48 GMT
Hello friend Nancy. I know that you and Kathy communicate fairly regularly and once in while she will update me. This is for me my primary 'check back' now and again places with old friends. When Helen mentioned elsewhere on the Internet that you were back I was immediately here to see for myself. It is really good to see you here even if it is just a now and again thing. When I get a chance I will try to find this forum on her Kindle for Kathy. I doubt that she'll join, but she will read along and maybe fill some of the blanks in your conversations with her via E-mail. Say hello to Kevin for me when you think he's receptive to it. Maybe this year we'll get to make that trip to Nebraska. Rusty and Minnie Pearl are aging and likely have forgotten us, but still they remain dear to us as do you and Kevin.
Give God the glory!
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Post by Deleted on Apr 20, 2018 0:49:22 GMT
Hard day today. I need to talk, but there is no one. Texted my daughter, but no answer.
I tried so hard to get him out the door, onto the deck, to sit awhile on his bench in the sun. He made it 4 feet and collapsed on his bed.
He made the mistake of sending me a guide for caretakers of advanced MS patients, without reading it first. It upset me, so dark, so dire, and I upset him, and dear God, it is not good to look forward. I am so afraid I will fail him. I am here to tell you that God absolutely gives us more than we can bear. My anxiety level is rising. If only I were the one stricken; he would've been plenty strong enough to help me in every way. But, I lack the physical strength to support him, to move his wheelchair, to push his wheelchair. So he sits. On a camper bench. Day after day.
I need a new plan. His legs are about gone. So many problems arise. He is such a big man. One of the very things I loved about him is now a huge obstacle.
And emotionally. How do I bear this? He has done nothing the past 5 years but lose ground. There is no more room for loss.
Even if I can get him in a wheelchair, it is sheer hell to get his feet on the foot plate. His right leg goes spastic, shoots out straight and I can't bend it. Can't even budge it.
So much weeping today. He's scared, and how can I assure him while reading the horror of this disease? They speak of future-planning. How to plan what is impossible to bear?
And. Why the double standard? I have had animals my entire life long. When they reach a point of life with no quality, with nothing but suffering, it is considered cruel and neglectful and selfish to not "put them down." And yet, with the awful degenerative nature of diseases like this, I am expected to allow him to live in a state where he may eventually be bed-ridden, unable to swallow, eat, speak, turn over? Already, he needs help getting his legs onto the bed. He gets sore at night from being unable to shift positions. Oh yes, our faith teaches all about mercy, but how is it merciful to leave a loved one in such a state? If we believe that God is good, if we believe we leave these bodies for something so much better, than why do we not have the choice to end our suffering if there is nothing but pain and misery in life?
I suffer these questions at times. And, never mention the financial implications. This world knows no mercy. I, like Kevin, am also afraid what we face.
He was the stable, rock-solid factor in my life. He balanced my emotional self. Held me together more times than I can count. Now I watch him break down, almost daily, and I am dying inside. And, seriously, how will I survive this? The heart palpitations, the loss of sleep, the absolute lack of support, of any help whatsoever with caring for him, much less any other of the many responsibilities which have fallen to me alone.
And no one, no one can bear me any longer. I find myself pushing everyone away, even on social media, because I live in a different world now that no one understands. And I see truths of this world that are unspeakable. And, truths about ourselves that are not good or kind. I do not like this world where no matter how much you love and care, you can do so very pathetically little to help someone so sick. I do see now that Jesus is my, is our, only, only hope. Faith, hope, and love are only alive in Him. How, my God, do I bear this wretched world, if I lose him? How can I ever be happy here? How could I ever love again, knowing the price of loving only to lose? All the countless sick animals, all those I held as they died, could not prepare me for this.
I know I must live in the moment, stop looking ahead. But, I feel twisted up inside. And I am not fit to be near anyone. I can't hold myself together. I am a constant trigger, waiting to go off. I make everyone uncomfortable. Even now. Right now. See? I have made you all miserable, and why, why can't I just shut up?
I need to move. Busy hands, busy feet. Stop thinking, dreading, and never, never read their stupid awful "guides" again.
Primary progressive ms is basically a longer, slower, drawn-out form of ALS. What nightmare is this, to watch your body wither away, inch by excruciating inch? To be left utterly helpless, utterly dependent, with mind intact to witness every nuance of your own suffering? In Christ alone, in the promise of death, is mercy found.
But ... I must help him live first. God, help me. I have no strength left.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 20, 2018 2:58:05 GMT
Later ... The frogs are singing solace as I sit on a tree stump in the dark. Breathe. Deep breath. Crescent moon overhead, and the world is holding its breath. My heart has slowed and ... I suppose I will survive. Having some old trees removed tomorrow. Promises to be a noisy, expensive day. Poor old tired trees. I hate to do it, but too many times they've dropped heavy limbs and they're unstable, threatening the camper, the new ramps, the house. Three maples and one elm. All broken and battered from past storms. They promised to at least top them and pick up the many, many branches and limbs that have accumulated. Trees have a very hard time in Nebraska. So many windy, windy days. Storms and rather frequent hail. So, a still, quiet, frog-filled moment like this, now, is a blessing. I love those little frogs, croaking at a rhythm unlike the pace of the world: so slow and sweet. Soothing the weary. One day at a time, for each day has enough trouble of its own. Who was it that told me that? ♡
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Post by ritab on Apr 20, 2018 4:33:30 GMT
((((Hugs)))) wish I was there in person Nancy xxxxxxx Rita
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Post by james on Apr 20, 2018 18:57:27 GMT
I can not begin to understand what you are going through Nancy, your post are heart rending. I feel so useless and impotent in your situation of life. All I can do is to hold your names before the Lord, may his Holy Spirit come in to your lives and enact a healing balm.
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Post by Poppy on Apr 20, 2018 19:26:57 GMT
Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2018 1:04:18 GMT
Nothing to be done. Thank you for being there. Sometimes just writing helps a bit.
The tree work definitely made for a noisy day. Five years without a man's caretaking, multiple storms, and my poor farm really needs work. The men will be back on Monday.
Sitting on my deck, listening to the doves coo, the blackbirds click, and the robins sing as the daylight fades. Peace has descended again (no more chainsaws and oh! the woodchipper!) The horses are eating their hay near me. Almost time to turn them out to graze after the long winter. Is always a joy to see their happiness when finally free to roam.
Put Kevin to bed and am taking a short break while doing chores. He retired quite early, as though watching and listening to all the work buzzing around us wore him out. I want him to go for a check up, but he has lost all faith in doctors.
I'd best get back to work... Had an early morning, and would love time for a movie before bed. A nice 'escape' now and then, though good movies seem rare of late.
And miles to go before I sleep. And miles to go before I sleep.
Much love to you all in our Savior.♡
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2018 1:40:25 GMT
Nothing to be done. Thank you for being there. Sometimes just writing helps a bit. The tree work definitely made for a noisy day. Five years without a man's caretaking, multiple storms, and my poor farm really needs work. The men will be back on Monday. Sitting on my deck, listening to the doves coo, the blackbirds click, and the robins sing as the daylight fades. Peace has descended again (no more chainsaws and oh! the woodchipper!) The horses are eating their hay near me. Almost time to turn them out to graze after the long winter. Is always a joy to see their happiness when finally free to roam. Put Kevin to bed and am taking a short break while doing chores. He retired quite early, as though watching and listening to all the work buzzing around us wore him out. I want him to go for a check up, but he has lost all faith in doctors. I'd best get back to work... Had an early morning, and would love time for a movie before bed. A nice 'escape' now and then, though good movies seem rare of late. And miles to go before I sleep. And miles to go before I sleep. Much love to you all in our Savior.♡ It is good you have the doves and other birds. I'm not very good at identifying bird calls; but there are birds on my paper route that coo during the night. It's so lovely; and when I hear them, I wish you could hear them; and they remind me to pray for you. I sometimes feel like Job's friends who sat saying nothing at first. When they did start talking, they made things worse. I hope not to write anything that makes things worse. I admit I feel powerless to say anything that's going to change things; but I also know my feeling of being powerless is nothing to what you feel. I can pray for you and Kevin however, and the birds encourage me too.
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Post by Helen on Apr 21, 2018 14:33:38 GMT
Oh Nancy. Like the others before me...I am speechless as far as an answer or real working wisdom goes.
I'm glad that writing and letting it all out helps. It is indeed good therapy. To a degree I know what you are going through. I only had it for six weeks with my dad. Watching him trying to breath and knowing he was suffocating, even with oxygen.
As you say, we are allowed to be kinder to our animals. I was torn between not wanting to lose my dad from my life...he was fun and had lived with us for so many decades....and wishing him free and with the Lord. Sooner or later the latter wins. And although the sadness of loss is always there...we do live on...and we do smile again..and we even laugh again without feeling like we have betrayed our loved one by being happy once more , without them. But this has happened since the beginning of time....we do 'live on'. You have a wonderful gift of using the pen....I am sure you will write another book. Use the gift that you have been given. A book with all the laughs and tears of every animal and bird that you have rescued and loved. You feel empty, broken and drained, yet you still have so much to give.
God is no mans debtor.... None of us understand the workings, the why's, or the seeming upsidedownness of God.... One day dear Lord, One Day.
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Post by amadeus on Apr 21, 2018 16:09:59 GMT
Dearest Nancy... the pain unfortunately does not leave just because it has become intolerable. Why with so much in his favor and good relationship with God was the hedge removed from Job? Then began the losses: his children all gone, his goods all gone, his own physical health impaired; his supposed friends coming at him with accusing fingers instead of loving embraces. The song below is not exactly Christian but it words and content are nonetheless very moving and I believe speak to your situation.
"The hope of the righteous shall be gladness: but the expectation of the wicked shall perish." Prov 10:28
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2018 21:24:33 GMT
Thank you all for your kind words and consolation. I did know that the book of life takes such turns, but I guess I never expected this chapter so soon. Nor did I expect it to be so long. Nor do I want the book to ever, ever end, even when the Promise tells us it must, and that the next story will be so much better. As the Christian song says, "I try to hold on to this world with everything I have." Followed by that which, in the midst, is forgotten: "There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain."
Jeremy Camp, I think.
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Post by heartsong on Apr 23, 2018 4:13:42 GMT
Thank you all for your kind words and consolation. I did know that the book of life takes such turns, but I guess I never expected this chapter so soon. Nor did I expect it to be so long. Nor do I want the book to ever, ever end, even when the Promise tells us it must, and that the next story will be so much better. As the Christian song says, "I try to hold on to this world with everything I have." Followed by that which, in the midst, is forgotten: "There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain." Jeremy Camp, I think. Hey Nancy. I've been thinking of you. Yes the book of life with its many turns. We just never know what is going to happen...
I remember that song by Jeremy Camp, There Will Be A Day. My niece asked me to do a video with that song. Wow it's been seven years since I made that video. Where did the time go.
I can't sign in to that channel. I forgot my password. I seem to be forgetting a lot lately. Like a few hours ago I was wondering if I had eaten today. My stomach was rumbling reminding me to eat. Just so much going on lately...
Here's the video. I hope you enjoy it Nancy.
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Post by Dave on Apr 23, 2018 14:15:04 GMT
Amen to that!!!!!! That will BE the Day, Bro John in Rev caught a glimpse, the day without end. Give GOD the Glory. Thanks heartsong, fuel for my day and a, clear the brain fog to see, The Lord as the prophet saw him in Isa, ' high and lifted up' BUT living in me.!!!!!!!!
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2018 4:35:33 GMT
Long day today, starting with walking fence so I could turn out the horses. My knee, with the aid of a walking stick, actually did pretty well. Yea! Then the tree crew arrived for day two, and all the buzz and noise began. I did a pick-up load myself from under the old cottonwood. My feet are a bit angry with me, but the property looks much more civilized. Nowwwww ... the water heater has gone out. So, I'll need to be looking into resolving that. (Not fond of ice-cold showers!) But,CATHEY, thank you for posting the video!♡ Has been too long since I've seen one of your creations. Very nice. Was great to put my feet up and enjoy.
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Post by heartsong on Apr 24, 2018 15:30:34 GMT
Long day today, starting with walking fence so I could turn out the horses. My knee, with the aid of a walking stick, actually did pretty well. Yea! Then the tree crew arrived for day two, and all the buzz and noise began. I did a pick-up load myself from under the old cottonwood. My feet are a bit angry with me, but the property looks much more civilized. Nowwwww ... the water heater has gone out. So, I'll need to be looking into resolving that. (Not fond of ice-cold showers!) But,CATHEY, thank you for posting the video!♡ Has been too long since I've seen one of your creations. Very nice. Was great to put my feet up and enjoy. I'm not fond of ice-cold showers either. I'm happy that you enjoyed the video. I haven't made anymore videos in a long time. The site I was using to make videos shut down so...I don't really know where to go to make videos now. And there is also the copyright issue which youtube has really been strictly enforcing in recent years.
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Post by Dave on Apr 24, 2018 15:54:01 GMT
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Post by Dave on Apr 24, 2018 16:03:43 GMT
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