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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2018 21:11:23 GMT
Yes, thank you, Mike, for the songs. ♡ Sometimes the songs reach a place deep inside us where our spiritual healing begins, even as the physical body betrays.
Our day is going a bit better today. And my grandson wrote me the sweetest notes late last night, just in the nick of time. (I was very down.) Just knowing we have his love is soothing. So many times the body can't be helped, but always, always, we can sooth the spirit.
My spirit is soothed.😉
Is good to have family in Christ, which you all are. Are we having a reuniting of sorts? One where we are all older, but wiser? It feels right, doesn't it? Someday, I think we will all sit at the table together. ♡ Spread His love. We will depend on it in the days to come. All of us. It may well be all we have.
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Post by ritab on Apr 4, 2018 1:16:32 GMT
Hi Nancy, Nice to see you here xxx I think I am with Poppy, no words - I am so pleased that others, including your grandson, have said things, or shared songs, that have reached that deep place within. Much love to you both xxxxx Rita
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 7:41:28 GMT
^ Hi Rita. So glad to find you here, as well.♡ Am trying to find a "gait belt" to help me with Kevin. His mom told me the belt really helped her to assist her late husband. We have good days and bad. Kev did a bit better today, but my knee was quite unhappy. We're a real pair, lol, both of us hobbling around.
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Post by ritab on Apr 4, 2018 13:54:59 GMT
Hi Nancy, I looked up the belt you were searching for, they do them at Amazon.co.uk - so presume they must do them at Amazon.com I am somewhat curious as to how the belt makes it easier, it looks as if you still have to lift the person yourself. I looked at some of the stand aides avaliable, some of them we use in the care home. Some are really expensive. It's a shame that there are no charity organisations that could lend you something to help. Rita xx
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 17:12:33 GMT
Hi Rita. Thanks. I'll take a look on Amazon. I know. I have my doubts about the belt. I'll never be able to lift him, but it may help me to transfer him once he's up, to steady him as he attempts walking. Just walking a few steps across the camper is very difficult for him. And the lack of balance contributes to the overall problem. Bathing has become a real issue, as well. Takes me 3 hours to shower him, cut nails, etc. His speech is even being affected. AND my own knee has flared up badly last couple days. I'm not walking well, myself. I feel like we're on a sinking ship. And, everyone: It's not fair to anyone here to have to "hear" me day after day. I broke my vow to myself of silence. Everyone has been kind, but I need to stop this. Maybe an update now and then, but I can't unload on everyone everyday. Love ya'll, but logging out. Don't worry over me. I'll get by ... ♡ At least I know where to find everyone. I have so many things to figure out.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 21:16:15 GMT
It's not fair to anyone here to have to "hear" me day after day. I broke my vow to myself of silence. Everyone has been kind, but I need to stop this. Maybe an update now and then, but I can't unload on everyone everyday. We most certainly don't want that, Nancy. We are told to "fulfil the Law of Christ by bearing one another's burdens" .....how can we do that if your sufferings are restricted to just the occasional mention? " Blessed be the God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God".
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 23:25:17 GMT
It's not fair to anyone here to have to "hear" me day after day. I broke my vow to myself of silence. Everyone has been kind, but I need to stop this. Maybe an update now and then, but I can't unload on everyone everyday. We most certainly don't want that, Nancy. We are told to "fulfil the Law of Christ by bearing one another's burdens" .....how can we do that if your sufferings are restricted to just the occasional mention? " Blessed be the God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God".People are different and I can see some wisdom in what Nancy said. When my parents died, I said nothing about it to other people. Similarly I said nothing when my cats died. I felt I needed to feel normal somehow, and being around people who were happy or just ordinary seemed to help me. If I had told them about my troubles, what good would it have done? I felt sure they would have felt sympathetic; but they also probably would have been quieter around me, trying to be "considerate" of my feelings. If they could have helped me, maybe I would have told them -- but what could they do? I mean really do? I think it helped me when I saw other people being happy. But that's me.
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Post by james on Apr 5, 2018 5:24:24 GMT
Nancy, no need to feel you have to limit how much you share. It is not all doom and gloom, it helps us know how to hold you before the Lord and more importantly a lot of what you are sharing has been most encouraging. It was sweet to hear how your grand children had been right on time with their notes to you, what proof of a careing Lord.
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Post by ritab on Apr 5, 2018 6:46:20 GMT
We most certainly don't want that, Nancy. We are told to "fulfil the Law of Christ by bearing one another's burdens" .....how can we do that if your sufferings are restricted to just the occasional mention? " Blessed be the God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God".People are different and I can see some wisdom in what Nancy said. When my parents died, I said nothing about it to other people. Similarly I said nothing when my cats died. I felt I needed to feel normal somehow, and being around people who were happy or just ordinary seemed to help me. If I had told them about my troubles, what good would it have done? I felt sure they would have felt sympathetic; but they also probably would have been quieter around me, trying to be "considerate" of my feelings. If they could have helped me, maybe I would have told them -- but what could they do? I mean really do? I think it helped me when I saw other people being happy. But that's me. I tend to be open with some things and not others. When I was going through the divorce I found people would react and respond with very unhelpful comments. I learnt the hard way that it would often add to the pain and grief I was already feeling. We sometimes want to help, be encouraging, but often the Interactions Contribute to the internal battle and emotions we are experiencing. Nancy and Kevin have faced such a long battle with this illness, with little support - the internal battle must be difficult to deal with. When my eldest attempted suicide I was desperate to connect with people that would understand how my world as a mum had been shattered- I never did find anyone. Oh there were groups for people who's children had succeeded, but it's a different journey for the families of those who survive. I went on to experience it with my daughter two years later and then with Dan 7years ago. Dan has impacted me very deeply, but through it all I have found that only the Lord truly understands the the deep emotions - and this has been the greatest thing I have grasped. I no longer search for that connection, the Lord is enough. It doesn't mean I do not share , but i do sometimes choose not to. Rita
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Post by ritab on Apr 5, 2018 6:47:12 GMT
Much love Nancy xxxxxx Rita
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Post by Dave on Apr 5, 2018 16:57:23 GMT
Blessings Nancy; Here's one for the road: " My song of assurance" by Dorothy Akers.
A friend sent it to us this morning and I thought of you.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 5, 2018 17:28:46 GMT
Blessings Nancy; Here's one for the road: " My song of assurance" by Dorothy Akers. A friend sent it to us this morning and I thought of you. Good one Dave ..... there'll be no holding you now, eh?
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Post by Deleted on Apr 5, 2018 17:32:06 GMT
You guys ... Here's the thing: This 'crisis' in my life is entering its 6th year. While my husband slowly/not-so-slowly deteriorates, it all erodes away at MY mental and physical health, as well. (Honestly, no one seems to see this. With Kevin so visibly sick, I'm in his shadow, as is to be expected. I know, that sounds selfish, but seldom does anyone ask ME how I am doing. Maybe they are wise.) Now with my own walking compromised, I am moving so slowly it's taking me all day to get through my daily tasks and chores. Maybe this will improve, with time. Much of the time I'm not in a very good state of mind-- and I know it. My patience is very low, my usual sensitive emotions are hyper-exaggerated, and, honestly, I'm not fit to be with anyone. I'm weary, depressed, in pain, and often the only reason I go on is because my husband needs me and my animals need me. Apart from that, I feel very abandoned by the family that should at LEAST provide moral support. (Even my husband is 'backlit' all day, every day, though I guess I understand: it IS all he can do. It's impossible for him to see me when he is as he is.) I look to the future and see no promise, only increasing difficulty. The energy I can find has to be focused on getting through each day. I feel like my life is essentially over, except it goes on and on and on. Not a happy outlook and not one others can understand or "fix." Then, my mind is twisted with guilt for feeling this way, so dark, so negative, but in these circumstances it is very difficult to remain positive. God whispers to me in my small pleasures, but! as in the 'warning' dream before this all began, He does NOT come to my rescue when I plead. I WAS warned of this dark time. The dream/ vision was quite personal, prophetic. It does not mean God is not with me, only that for reasons unknown I am left to suffer through all of this. But, all this darkness with so little light is not something that can be shared regularly with others, because it troubles others and leaves them uncomfortable or feeling useless. You are not useless. Just knowing you are here, believing, holding onto the faith despite any circumstance, helps me to stay spiritually healthy at least, while the rest of me struggles with just wanting this life over and done. Sleep, honestly, is the best thing; I sometimes awaken actually HAPPY from dreams filled with people and laughter ... dreams I can't quite recall. But, then I remember, and another day begins. I know that as I grow older, I will be mostly on my own, alone. (I already am.) It won't be much different than it is now. I think I have felt this aloneness my entire life to some degree, so I'll get by. So, you see, I am consumed by 'this' right now, but ... really, faith, hope, and love DO remain. I just feel it points beyond what's become of my life. (Which, compared to the lives of so very many, is not so terrible. At least I am not a refugee, turned away by a supposedly godly nation that feels justified, focused fully in their own attempts at economic and military "greatness.") I look forward, as though I'm waiting to be released. And, it is no one's fault. Maybe someday I'll feel differently. I was warned. But in other dreams, Jesus said He would be with me and ... I've had the joy of flying. It makes me smile just to say that. I tell Kevin, never mind this heavy, burdensome walking ... one day you will fly! Sounds a bit crazy, I suppose, but you will see ... I know this story is far from over, but these are dark chapters and God restrains His hand. Yet I WILL pass this test. I'll look in, keep track of you, and I'll log in now and then, but my energy now is very low. In my down time, the silence and God minister to me-- if I allow Him. Again, in many ways you are more a family to me than my own has ever, ever been. God bless the internet, lol. You are with me.♡ Be good to one another. Don't fuss over me. Be happy while the sun shines.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 5, 2018 17:34:51 GMT
Hugs and thank you for the songs and cheer, even as I wrote my too-long, not-so-cheerful message.
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Post by Poppy on Apr 5, 2018 18:48:18 GMT
Nancy, there has been a lot of coverage on TV in the UK recently about the need to talk things through when things are tough. Suicide is on the increase among farmers and it was highlighted on tonight's news. The advice being given left right and centre to anybody who feels down, or isolated or alone or worried etc. is to talk to somebody. If they don't want to or can't talk to someone close then they are encouraged to get in touch with a help organisation and talk to a helper, even talking to a stranger on the end of a phone is better than bottling it all up.
So you see when you talk about what you are going through you doing exactly as the professionals are advising people to do. So please keep talking. We can't be with you in the flesh to give you a hug and help with your chores - and you know we would if we could - but we will continue to pray for you and Kevin and try to encourage you and send lots of love and hugs.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 5, 2018 21:28:11 GMT
Poppy, I'll muddle through. There's a difference between wishing you could reach the finish line and be with God, and actually being suicidal. I still have my husband, and I won't abandon my animals. I have reason to live. Some days I'm just so tired, and this bad leg is NOT helping. Need to take it slow and wear that horrid leg brace.
Now, everyone get back to business. I'll check in now and then. Promise.♡
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Post by Poppy on Apr 6, 2018 8:19:47 GMT
Nancy, you misunderstood my post. In no way was I suggesting that you were suicidal. Just that it was ok for you to talk about your trouble rather than bottle them up. It was a response to one of your earlier posts. Hope you have a good day. xx
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Post by Deleted on Apr 6, 2018 21:18:45 GMT
Nancy, you misunderstood my post. In no way was I suggesting that you were suicidal. Just that it was ok for you to talk about your trouble rather than bottle them up. It was a response to one of your earlier posts. Hope you have a good day. xx I did get that from your post also, but sometimes when things are so difficult every single day for so long, to talk about it just kinda stirs up those feelings of uneasiness. At times it helps, but at times it's best to keep the hands and feet busy and not think. For example, I wake every morning agonizing over my daughter, but she is shutting me out, and I have to turn off those thoughts because it just does no good to dwell on it. With Kevin, I lose a lot of sleep agonizing over him, and it does no good. In self-defense, I'm learning to turn off my own thoughts. Redirect them. Also, I recently read some of my old forum entries, and my own droning on and on and on about this situation literally made me sick. It's as though that's all I am. I've BECOME my husband's disease. I hated the sound of my own "voice." I guess, as Kerry mentioned, sometimes I need normalcy, and it's very hard to find. The long duration of all this makes the attending psychology complex. Lots of mind-games. Sometimes I HAVE to escape. I'm almost like the mother who breathes a sigh of relief when the children, finally, are safely in bed. I stay up late sometimes after Kevin is safely sleeping, just to do "normal" things like watch a movie. At times I need normalcy more than sleep. But, it's good to know I can talk about things here when I feel the need. Staying very busy, though, while exhausting, is therapeutic. And, a tired body sleeps better. Much love, Poppy.♡
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Post by Helen on Apr 7, 2018 18:22:20 GMT
I can see that. Focussing on the days that you have to live through, must not help much, but just compound the problem. You could start some 'hot debate' like we used to have years ago...that would get your mind of the day-to-day stuff. LOL But seriously, doubt if you have the time or the energy for that. I was just teasing.xx Love and hugs...H
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Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2018 18:05:43 GMT
No more debate for me, Helen. At this point, it's much more important to remind myself to live my faith. Matthew Henry is an amiable old fellow, and he treats me to new ideas in a pleasant way. Amazing all the pages and pages and pages he spent contemplating scripture.
Kevin was very cranky yesterday. So much so, I left him food and got the heck out, only peeking in on him now and then. Since I'm on my own with groceries, I'm only going to buy him clean foods from now on. All the best. He has gained some weight, which is not helpful to either of us. And I also am striving to lose twenty-five pounds. My knees will NOT allow me to carry the added weight. Have lost 5 pounds this week, and, knock on wood, I am walking a bit better already. Which is a very, very good thing!
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